Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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