also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
