I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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