Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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