Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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