Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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