I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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