i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
