So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
