I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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