Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I could fuck to npr.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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