Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
