Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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