He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
