If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
