I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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