i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
