the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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