party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Hello my rib-scented angel!
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
