Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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