Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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