Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
