so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
