apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
