My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
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