hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
