felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
