I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
