everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Randomize
