if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
