I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
