I got chris browned last night
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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