i jhust puked up my retainher.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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