Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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