birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
