I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Randomize
