You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
