why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
