I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
