Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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