Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
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