I wish I could punch you in the face.
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
