I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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