She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
NoShamevember. You game?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
