Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
