Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
