Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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