90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
