i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
