my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
