He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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