She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
