Got a toothbrush?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I met the friendliest cop last night
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
